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Legend of the Bog (2009)
Once in a while, I rent a movie based solely on the title and box art. The Redbox has definitely fed right into this habit. I'll wander up to the machine and glance over the selection until a movie or two catches my eye. Thus did I end up taking home Legend of the Bog, starring Vinnie Jones.
When I got through the previews to the DVD menu, I could already tell I was in trouble. Scenes of a big, bald man in what looked like a sack cloth tunic running across the countryside while the least appropriate music for a horror movie played dominated. I started to wonder if this was a Lifetime Movie Network film about a misunderstood man living in the bogs, rather than the horror/action movie the cover promised.
Knowing I was in for some pain as I hit play, my first thought when the FBI warning came up was that it should say something along the lines of "Any duplication, authorized or otherwise, will result in a taint on your very soul which can never be absolved." I grabbed my laptop and decided to share the pain by typing my thoughts into Twitter as the movie progressed.
- Ever popped in a movie and realized from the scenes shown during the DVD menu that you're in for some serious deep hurting?
- So begins Legend of the Bog, chosen for the title and the fact it stars Vinnie Jones. I fear I have chosen ... poorly.
- So we start with Vinnie killing the bog man with flaming arrows, then being attacked by some more modern bog chick
- Makes me wonder if that's going to be his only scene
- then we shift to an archaeology course almost certainly more boring than the real thing.
- So his theory is that the bog is an evil place that traps the souls of those killed there.
- Aha, here's what's gonna wake the evil spirits - they're building some kind of development on top of the bog.
- apparently the scots have never seen poltergeist. never build on a burial site.
- Heh, evil developer lady is evil. She needs a puppy to kick and a white cat to stroke while she orders her minions about.
- maybe they're irish rather than scots. hard to tell with the plethora of accents.
- And BogMan awakens, and is in a foul temper. Do not taunt happy fun bog man!
- Construction guy learned the hard way that poking bogman with a stick is a poor choice.
- Dogs do not like BogMan. BogMan likes to use dogs to make footwear.
- Ok, our main cast will be Evil Developer Lady and her cab driver, a couple of women who ran out of gas, and the professor and his student.
- Wow, hitting a cow in the car at ultral low speed (from what I could tell) totals the car and vaporizes the cow.
- BogMan frightened and angered by speeding read car! But his stick is ineffective against it.
- BogMen are hyperintelligent! He intuitively understood sitting in the driver's seat of the wrecked car and turning the steering wheel.
- Sadly, accidentally beeping the horn terrified him, so he jumped out and flipped it over.
- Evil developer lady is both unpleasant and American. Shocking.
- Aha, it's BogMan versus Convenience Store!
- Hitting BogMan with a bat of some kind turned out to be a really bad idea too.
- Why is she so gung ho to take a shower in the creepy abandoned cabin they stumbled upon in the woods?
- Thank god, vinnie jones is back! He's the hunter who owns the cabin, of course.
- Now time for BogMan versus the carnival. Clash of the cultures again.
- Apparently BogMan doesn't care for booze, and the midget pays the price.
- Awww, the tender side of BogMan. He pets Shetland ponies.
- This is a good idea, head out in the middle of the might to walk back to civilization #LegendoftheBog
- I am truly looking forward to BogMan killing all the characters except Vinnie Jones. #LegendoftheBog
- Guess we'll get a subplot where student chick has some kind of psychic connection to the bog #LegendoftheBog
- archeology prof feels the need to run off and do archeology instead of continue on to civilization with the others.good plan #LegendoftheBog
- well, crap. I really wanted to watch BogMan kill developer woman, but it looks like it happened off camera :( #LegendoftheBog
- And now developer chick is a bogzombie who tried to drag one of the girls underwater to drown #LegendoftheBog
- OK, writers, listen up! This story sharing crap in the movie may actually have a point, but it's boring me! #LegendoftheBog
- And really, you've established the characters as unlikable already, no need to keep proving it. Bring on BogMan attacks! #LegendoftheBog
- Hmph. Poetic-ish justice on the cabby had nothing at all to do with BogMan. Disappointing. #LegendoftheBog
- Whoops, stupid prof, don't knock out the hunter when BogMan is your real enemy. #LegendoftheBog
- Oops, shooting BogMan made him angry enough to decapitate one of the girls. #LegendoftheBog
- Aha, hunter's backstory. He hunts BogMen in order to bury them and lay their souls to rest. #LegendoftheBog
- I am starting to question the judgement of watching this movie. #LegendoftheBog
- *sigh* Enough with the storytelling and moralizing. It has become beyond tiresome. #LegendoftheBog
- So the proper way to kill a BogMan is to drive a stake through it's guts into the ground. Too bad prof is a wuss about it #LegendoftheBog
- Nice, student chick managed to accidentally spear the prof in the gut. #LegendoftheBog
- Hmmm, Bogman has vinnie speared to a tree through the gut. But spearing BogMan has no effect. #LegendoftheBog
- And now vinnie's dead? I;m confused. #LegendoftheBog
- So vinnie filled the shower tank with gasoline knowing the BogMan would take a shower? #LegendoftheBog
- But the flaming BogMan escapes and ran to jump in the bog to extinguish himself. Sequel Setup? #LegendoftheBog
- And, thank god, fade to black and credits. Thus endeth my torture. #LegendoftheBog
In the end, with it's unlikable characters, lack of a coherent plot, and constant digressions into the characters' uninteresting backstories, I really hated the time I spent watching this abomination. It wasn't quite bad enought to make me turn it off, and I have definitely seen worse, but it still ranks up there with a full 0.9 Bolls.
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Comments
Great way to use twitter,
Great way to use twitter, live movie reviews.
Thanks!
I've done it a couple of times before, and gotten some fun replies, so this time I went through and captured the tweets to plop down all in one spot. I'll probably do it again from time to time, watching the badness so you don't have to.